The rule of the game

In my circle of society the rule of the game is don’t get triggered.

So you can’t handle our words? Boo hoo too bad. Then you’re too sensitive, too personal, too childish, have no sense of humor, too spoiled, a snowflake, too dense to understand humor, too stupid, ridiculous, manic, hyperbolic, etc and so on. (I realised my mind could offer specific words to embellish the story.)

Since I was a toddler, those labels above were stamped on my reactions, I was trained to accept those words to define my actions. And of course I accepted them (however internally disagreed with them), the older people must have known better than I did, right? So I thought.

In my following years, I observed that my teenage years were full of angst feelings, very sensitive (but struggling so hard to numb the sensations), and closed minded. By closed minded I mean I selectively only open my mind to several ideas, not worrying to swap some beliefs with another that will not rock the boat, while shielding it from most ideas in the universe. It kept me from growing my emotion, spirit, and mind maturely.

So when reality hit me in the face more than a decade ago, just as I entered the age of 20, after being shielded (or golden-caged) for the younger years of my life, it felt heart-breakingly painful for my ego. So painful that I had difficulty in removing the stressor from my life before another stressor came into play (which is the reality of life, we can never run away from stressors).

So that stressor became a depression in me, and I didn’t have the tools or skills to remove them yet. You can’t remove it when you refuse to accept it as a part of you. And I couldn’t accept it because it would mean (for my reality) that I let go of my hopes and expectations for a better scenario. (I used to believe that if I keep holding on to my expectations and hopes then I would be able to avoid the pains that I felt.) Hardly I realised that I unkindly just signed up for a very unattractive years of choosing the path of avoidance.

So obviously when the next stressors in life came, again and again, the time which I felt able to sway away my stress is becoming less and less available. Everything felt moving too fast. The water was overflowing from my bucket. Or container. Or well.. Felt like a tsunami was brewing.

And when the tsunami did enter my life, I was labeled as having a psychotic break. It was just so expected. Predictable. What else could I choose to experience with my lifelong training or conditioning?

I decided to take a break from the challenges in life. By that I meant by quitting my job, my study, my function and roles in the society that I knew about.

Time out, people!

And then I started to unload the stressors in me. They are in the form of energy and can only be felt by my body. Meditation helps. As do yoga, journaling, changing my diet, and walking exercise.

Any form of energetic processing is helpful to ease and dissolve the stressors in me.

Then after the flood was contained, one of the signs was I started to feel time getting slower and more manageable for the mind to digest informations, I finally could recognise the pattern maker in my mind.

So, feeling pain and processing it are very doable, but exaggeration of the pain or stories about the pain (like, I don’t like it, or it’s not safe) is the one that makes the pain felt thousands of times worse. And avoidance of it, will not make it go away, it’s just prolonging the pain and turn it to what people called as suffering.

I learned to treat my body as my child, or my lovely animal. Because it was given to me to be cared of. I love it as a creature of its own.

I learned to befriended my mind, its a very amazing tool to help me store memories and process the past stories that my karma (conditioning or beliefs transferred to me by my environment and genetics) has for me.

I learned to differentiate between ego and heart. The language of the heart is ever so gentle. One needs to make a deliberate practice to actually be aware of it and interpret it accordingly.

I also learned about felt sense. The body’s language to inform me about stored information that are kept in and needed to be processed.

And lastly, I learned about the spirit’s language of energy. Energy is never created or destroyed. Its reality is only being transformed or recycled among us.

So, in these lights of lessons that I picked up in my journey to live a braver life, to face my fears… I realised that the rule of the game doesn’t matter. You choose how to participate in the game your own way. And my way currently is by owning every part of me; the fears, the braves, the good, the bad, and transform them to my path of life.

Find what is true, and you know what, the Universe will not stop to remind you what to do. Everything around you will always tell you what you need to do. It’s just your will to follow or resist it which determines the ease. 


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