It has been a long 3 months. I have wandered around, trying to do all those “made sense” things that my mind diligently captured from various media, amazing people, and remarkable historical figures, and it all boiled into one simple fact: *cue dreamy, new agey background song*

What I really need is to love my self.

So, my restless mind wander and wonder again, what exactly, truly, authentically way could or should I honestly love myself?

It is a very sincere and simple question which begs the most profound answer.

Obviously, my self would feel exceptionally loved if I shower her with healthy options. Either physical, mental, or spiritual means.

Done. So after muddling myself for more than 3 months trying to “figure out myself”;

  •  By working in a place and position that I really have no passion about. But that job made me realised I have a dear friend that was willing to break a leg for me.
  • By starting a whole new diet regime that betrays my dairy-free paleo regime. But I get to learn that this new diet (despite the dairy issue) really hits home for my needs. Currently I’m blowing full steam ahead with really better results after ditching the dairy.
  • By visiting a place from my past that I didn’t really want to see, but did it anyway for the sake of my partner. Did have some fun though, but I realised more than ever that those places are not for me.
  • By joining a drawing class. Learned a few nice tricks, and met new group of people, still wasn’t feel right for me, but entertained and blessed nevertheless. The most prominent lesson: never stop finishing your art, or even use an eraser, because otherwise you will not learn to finish your creations.
  • By closing my FB account. I could never imagined why I didn’t do it any sooner. Great weight suddenly lifted from me. *lightly dancing*
  • By cleaning and organising my current house. I know I’ve just moved to this property like 4 months ago, but the love of mine was instilled in the previous property, with its old bricks and high grounds and squeaking timber floor, with extra chilliness during winter, and painted shut 60’s windows.. And most marvellous huge black locust tree with its beautiful white flowers during spring and bald branches during autumn. Sigh.. it was a very beautiful property, but one that I chose to leave because it was too far from the city.
  • By having two ingrown big toe nails. Psshh, one ingrown to nail? That’s so common. But two? Why the hell not!! Gimme! Then let them pluck itself when the colour is black like soot and the other one is digging into the nail bed. Duhh, of course it hurts quite bad, but so what?! Even though there are so many podiatrist I am still afraid of making a surgery call. Maybe next week..
  • By suppressing my hopes and expectations and sadness when I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, then it disappeared the next day, then my period came 2 days late with a full blown cramps. One month it took me to realise that killing my sadness really kill half of my own self.
  • By having a row with my partner and realising maybe I really need to get a fix of myself. I am tired of being unhealthy. I just really need to find out the best way to make my self healthy, and I mean it now!!!
  • By thinking so hard what is something that I really find enjoyable and makes me lost a huge load amount of time without realising.. I love creating things. Especially making things look like something else. Not necessarily make up or painting houses, but they could be if they serve some purpose in my imagination. I love to create a nuance.
  • Would anyone pay for that? A skill to create a nuance?
  • Geez, I love me some dry wine now and beachy shore where I could sprawl my jiggly legs in a manner that made a sleeping tiger looks too prudish.
  • Aaand, not checking whatsapp is another plus side of avoiding the public. I really am enjoying myself. OK, honestly, I am enjoying to avoid talking to people that I don’t feel comfortable around. So, thanks for the spammer.

I realised what Bruce Lee said to be true:

There is no obstacles, there is only plateaus.

And no, I should’ve not try to reroute myself to avoid those plateaus, since it really is a oneway track. Just keeping all straight, and get done with it.

It won’t be pretty, at least for my *yelping in indignation* limited mind. (Yes, my dear, you are still so limited and tamed by those definitions you swallowed from the civilised beings around your life.) But it is definitely what I need.

Looks like 3 months really gone by quite quickly. Nope, I’m lying, it felt so horribly long that I realise I’m that oldy person who starts to get bored so easily with my daily routine. So much different from my perspective 8 years ago.

The point is, anything that is not making me feel nourished, should really get out of my way.

Way to go.. and it took me 3 months. Yay.



*Sources: featured image from


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